On this particular night, in response to something I'd said, Matt remarked, "You're quite the contrarian, aren't you?"
I'll admit, part of me was tickled by that description. This was actually the first time I'd heard that specific word and I immediately embraced it. I was a contrarian. I often found people's strongly held positions were a function of inertia and patterned, rather than critical, thinking. I fall into the same traps which is why I question everything.
So what's my point and how does that relate to this blog?
While there is an internal chorus vying for my attention, there are two primary voices that dominate most of my life; the adult I've become and the child to which I'd like to regress. You'd think that the adult voice would be the contrarian and in some ways it is, but I've been surprised to discover just how much of a contrarian the child is.
It makes sense. When I think back on being a kid, I was strong-willed and stubborn. I resented anything that I felt was trying to control or limit me personally (group limits were fine, I'm a team player). I was so dedicated to being this way, I would sometimes "cut off my own nose to spite my face," taking negative consequences as a sort of silent penance for sticking to my guns.
The problem I'm running into is that the child in me is the creative one, the dreamer. Unfortunately, the child will work but only when it wants to and on its terms. If the adult tries to admonish the child and force it to work the child rebels and nothing gets done. The adult contrarian can be reasoned with, the child is fairly implacable.
It seems that after years of taking pride in my contrariness, I've been hoist with my own contrarian petard.
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